Attachment Theory, Anxiety, Confidence and The U.S. Marine Corps

Nemo Resideo
No Comrade Left Behind

Imagine for a moment that you are a part of an army going off to protect a city from invasion by hostile forces. Your commanding officer gives the briefing: it’s going to be tough and lives may be lost. There will be danger at every turn, co-operation is vital and capture by the enemy a constant threat! Now imagine you are lined up ready to get in to the helicopter alongside all of your comrades and your commander says, ‘Right you know the risks, don’t expect us to come and get you if you’re injured or captured, sign the waiver and get on board!’ What would you feel like doing at that moment? I know right, me too. Guess what? You’re not alone. The concept of nemo resideo, or “leave no one behind,” is very old. Most elite military units have enshrined this into a creed or motto. Examples include the Marine Corps, The Airman’s Creed [USAF] and The US Rangers who vow: “I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy.” (See Galdorisi, 2014) The military knows that a soldier, though very brave already, will take bigger risks and undertake much greater adventures if someone ‘has their back’ and if they know that they matter to their country and their fellow soldiers.

In psychological terms, this concept is known as Attachment and has been very well explained in the picture above – The Circle of Security (COS) (Powell et al, 2009). Children and Marines need both a safe base – from which to launch out and explore and a safe haven – to return to in case of danger. If either is missing or uncertain, children will become anxious – which is a normal and natural response. As parents, carers and adults it’s our job to be bigger, wiser and stronger and not to worry if our child is worried or anxious – that’s normal – but to try to remain calm so we can comfort, encourage and then support more adventures! This is a great reminder for me both personally and professionally. I know I wouldn’t be able to do what I do every day either without the support of my darling wife for example, who encourages me and gives me a safe place to come home to. Our kids need this much more than you or I and it’s our job to provide it for them (Johnco Carly, et al, 2022). Later when they grow up to be adults, they will have ‘internalised’ this circle of security within them and so be able to offer it to others around them, including hopefully their own dear family. There is much research to show that when children don’t have that Circle of Security they can really struggle (Bikic et al, 2022) and this shows up in behavioural issues, anxiety and externalising/internalising symptoms (Moss et. al., 1998). I sometimes think that going to school for the first time might feel a bit like going in to battle! If children know you’ve got their back and love them unconditionally – they’ll be much stronger and braver for it! Huber et. al., (2016) show that parenting using the Circle of Security reduces the stress for the parents too! Try not to be anxious if your child is anxious, be bigger, wiser and stronger. When kids are anxious it often just means they need to come back to base camp and check in – get some reassurance and unconditional acceptance and then off they’ll go on up the mountain! I hope this was helpful… “nemo resideo!”
~Stan Winn


Bikic, Aida, et al. “Protocol for a randomized controlled trial comparing the Circle of Security-parenting (COS-P) with treatment as usual in child mental health services.” PLoS ONE, vol. 17, no. 4, 26 Apr. 2022, p. e0265676. Gale Academic OneFile, link.gale.com/apps/doc/A701662404/AONE?u=slnsw_public&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=3464a2d1. Accessed 31 Oct. 2022.
Capt. George Galdorisi, June 2014. CNN Opinion Piece. https://edition.cnn.com/2014/06/09/opinion/galdorisi-leave-no-man-behind/index.html
Huber, Anna, et al. “Improved Parental Emotional Functioning After Circle of Security 20-Week Parent–Child Relationship Intervention.” Journal of Child and Family Studies, vol. 25, no. 8, 2016, pp. 2526–2540
Johnco Carly, et al. “The Role of Parental Beliefs About Anxiety and Attachment on Parental Accommodation of Child Anxiety.” Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, vol. 50, no. 1, 2022, pp. 51–62. 
Moss, Ellen, et al. “Correlates of Attachment at School Age: Maternal Reported Stress, Mother-Child Interaction, and Behavior Problems.” Child Development, vol. 69, no. 5, 1998, pp. 1390–1405.
Powell, B., Cooper, G., Hoffman, K., & Marvin, R. S. (2009). The circle of security. In C. H. Zeanah, Jr. (Ed.), Handbook of infant mental health (pp. 450–467). The Guilford Press.
Soldier and Children [Second Image] from Public Domain [Wikipedia].

Screen Your Screen Time!

Being a counsellor as well as a school chaplain makes for an intriguing combination. Since I am a fairly contemplative chap, with a background in science – I have been doing some thinking and research into childhood behavior issues and screen time. From what I have found so far there is a link between negative behaviour and screen time. The more time (especially more than 2 hours per day) that our young ones are spending on screens, the worse their behaviour is likely to be! Check out this excerpt from a study done by researchers at the University of Queensland last year: “The higher the average screen time by all children in the family, the worse the child’s behaviour…” **

Most parents report difficulty in finding the time and space to increase physical activity and reduce screen time in the family (Hamilton et al, 2015). Schoeppe et al (2016) explain the best way to reduce screen time for children is to model it (low screen usage) in the home and furthermore that this is also the most effective way to improve the behaviour of screen time affected children. Other studies also show that the benefits make it worthwhile – and they don’t mean just for the kids! Improved behaviour in the home is an expected outcome if children are spending more time in physical activity and reducing their time gaming, scrolling, or watching things on screens (Halpin et al, 2021).

“Investigators from University of Queensland Release New Data on Preventive Medicine (Screen Time and Child Behaviour and Health-Related Quality of Life: Effect of Family Context).” 2021, p. 2851.
Hamilton, Kyra, et al. “Exploring Parents’ Beliefs About Their Young Child’s Physical Activity and Screen Time Behaviours.” Journal of Child and Family Studies, vol. 24, no. 9, 2015, pp. 2638–2652.
Halpin, Samuel, et al. “Parenting and Child Behaviour Barriers to Managing Screen Time With Young Children.” Journal of Child and Family Studies, vol. 30, no. 3, 2021, pp. 824–838.
Schoeppe, Stephanie, et al. “How Is Adults’ Screen Time Behaviour Influencing Their Views on Screen Time Restrictions for Children? A Cross-Sectional Study.” BMC Public Health, vol. 16, no. 209, 2016, p. 201.

Anna Karenina

Count Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy, AKA Leo Tolstoy, AKA The Count (1828-1910)

Penguin Books UK, Edition First Published 1954 and Translated into English from the Russian by Rosemary Edmonds.

Classic Russian Literature. Literary Genre: Realism. First published by Tolstoy in 1875-77

WARNING: SPOILERS ABOUND BELOW….

Told from the point of view of several very prominent and interwoven Russian families, the story is set in 1870s Russia; moving between Moscow, Saint Petersburg and the Russian countryside. The characters seem to walk unawares along a knife edge formed by the collision of the traditional with the modern. As the story unfolds the fruits of these divergent world-views appear.

Novels of a similar genre, led me to expect AK to be difficult reading, containing lots of long names, which are too similar (or in some cases identical!) to the names of other characters – see Dr. Zhivago or worse; Wuthering heights. However this was not so with AK. The translator Rosemary Edmonds: “For the sake of clarity I have used the surname wherever possible” – thus avoiding the confusing three-fold naming system used in Russia. This left room for a clearer mind to absorb the well described scenery. The Count develops his characters well; masterfully linking their inner and outer worlds with rich and entertaining dialogue. This idea of linking inner and outer, worked as a subtext through the story and gave me a hint about the main thrust of the novel. The only negative about the writing style (ALERT! Grammar rant pending) was that the translation into English often produced the phrase ‘try and’ [not ‘try to’ or ‘try for’]. I don’t quite know why but it bugs me so much, please let me know your thoughts.

Many concepts are embroidered over the nankeen§ of this novel. In fact, I think all Dewey categories are covered in the lofty conversations, internal monologues and character development. So there is sure to be much for the non-fiction lover also. As I hinted at earlier, I think the main theme is the unfolding of the world-views of the main characters…

The eponymous character sees love as a spontaneous desire: “.. love does not come at will: there’s no forcing it.” (Anna, p. 731)…

The biblical Christian view is of love as a choice…

“Do not waste time (says C.S. Lewis) bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbour; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more.” (C.S. Lewis in Keller & Keller, 2015, p.100, from a WWII radio Interview)¥

Levin, one of the main characters, begins the story immersed in a traditional culture and like Anna, Levin also felt angst at the dissonance of his world with his worldview, however he persevered with the traditional way of living. Anna however, fled the tension and gradually threw it away. Levin was a bachelor at the beginning of the story and desired the traditional family and marriage, whereas Anna was unhappily married and hence traditional culture was against her outer life and for Levin’s. When Levin is most helpless, to his own surprise he automatically prays and seeks God’s help and mercy. His closeness with the earth as a farm owner, the reality of death and the simple faith of the peasants who work for him, suggest to him that his modern worldview is not only contradictory to his desire for a meaningful life; it does not line up with the way things actually work. As Anna aligns her outer world with her inner world, leaving her husband and son; Levin strives to align his inner world with the outer: they are both becoming congruent, but to opposing world-views. As Levin matures away from his bachelor naïveté, we see him humbly align himself with the world around him. Anna seeks the opposite, desiring to change or deny the world to suit her own desire. Levin learned to see himself as the outlier and adjusted accordingly. It was perhaps easier for Levin, because he actually desired what tradition and culture encouraged, despite his initial mental dissonance against it.

This mighty novel left me with a reminder that the Christian view of marriage is revealed to us and does not come from within the human system – and that is why we don’t like it; because it does constrain us – not to enslave us, but to free us from the destructiveness and chaos of pursuing only what we want for ourselves until we surely lose even that… “Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it.” (Luke 17:33). It’s interesting to note at this point that research reveals that people who are married are consistently more satisfied than those who choose alternatives such as cohabitation and further; that those who are not happy, eventually become so if they persevere and remain married (ibid, p. 26 citing two separate US reports).¥¥

The fact that this book is 853 dense pages long and I got through it speaks to me of its quality. I zoomed through sections of it, lost track of time and felt transported to a world of horse-drawn sled trips to the Opera. It is such a great read and is full of insight into marriage, faith and the value of commitment.

Highly recommended: 4.5 stars

ǂ My edition is Called Anna Karenin; a decision of the editor. For simplicity the surnames of married women are written in the masculine [no ina] to avoid confusion and to more accurately translate to western norms.

§Nankeen – wikipedia link. A coat, a colour a kestrel! – only the coat features in the novel.

¥¥ In the instance of abusive and violent relationships perseverance may be unhelpful. If you are in such a relationship, please see my resources page and/or make contact with one of the support services in your area.

ǂ see note

Review: East of Eden, by John Steinbeck

First Published by Viking Press USA 1952

ISBN-13978-0-14-118507-1

Classic American Literature

This grand tale unfolds across the Salinas Valley of California and through the turn of an age. The reader comes to know many characters; some plain, some with soaring minds and one or two whose bitter path twists its way into despair. The point of view shifts throughout the narrative as Steinbeck weaves lives together magically and over many years, leaving the reader with an expansive appreciation for existence.

The style is elegant and descriptive, allowing the mind to fill the spaces between words with flowing images of a bygone era; full of land, dirt, toil and the humble order of rural living. Indeed the book covers a lot of ground; the pastoral rhythm cycles through the story and Steinbeck’s characters respond diversely to the soil in which they’re sown. Steinbeck looks deeply at the human struggle and examines the good life, exploring themes of free will, futility and faith.

Although he does this beautifully; exploring eastern and biblical answers, Steinbeck seems to leave it all to human effort. In doing this he misses the chief answer (Jesus!) to his central and biblical question, ‘can a person be free from sin?’ (see chapter 24): “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it” (Genesis 4:7, NIV). This seems to be the main point of tension throughout the novel, one which Steinbeck resolves with a moving compromise midway between total failure and despair – “thou must” (rule over him) – and yet clearly cannot (failure), OR “thou shalt” and yet, when? (despair). The midway solution discovered by one of EOE’s main characters, Lee, was “Thou mayest”, from the original Hebrew word Timshel – i.e. the way through is open, one has a choice and therefore there is some hope for the characters and families; whose lives are apparently lost in weakness and regret. Of course to the Christian this is an insufficient answer, one which honest self-reflection consistently disproves. The apostle Paul captured the same struggle with a far more scathing view of self and humanity…

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7: 15-25)

Perhaps J.S. was being elusive and chose not to refer to the gospel answer to his dilemma or perhaps he himself felt only the weight of it and never the solution.

This is a moving book, which will leave you with an ‘existential feeling’. Steinbeck explored many examples of the attempt to resolve his central struggle, but missed the supernatural solution. Maybe this is its own answer, that without divine assistance, we are not able to ‘pull ourselves up by our boot straps’. Maybe J.S. knew that the best way to show this was through the lives of his characters.

John Steinbeck is one of my favourite authors and widely known as a master and key figure in American Literature. If you’re interested in the human drama and insights into personality, this book is for you. There’s something so instructive about reading such a realistic portrayal of these characters’ diverse lives – lived out to their respective ends.

I highly recommend this book and the author – if you haven’t already struck the gold that is Steinbeck.

A post-script: Here is an interesting talk by Dr. Timothy Keller, which explores these themes and gives a non-elusive answer.

Review: Soul Mates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship by Thomas Moore

HarperCollins. New York, NY. (1994)

ISBN: 0-06-016928-1

Like soul itself this book is not easy to outline or place into a genre. The author is brave to explore such a deep and mysterious subject, however it sometimes feels he has bitten off a little more than he can chew. It seems that the main idea in the book is that relationships are best viewed as the means and soul the end – not the converse: “The soul doesn’t distinguish between good and bad as much as between what is nutritious [for itself] and what isn’t” (p. 79). I thought this a powerful reframe, particularly regarding the conflicts couples have and the meaningfulness beneath these. Moore also seems to address the problem of polar attitudes toward desire and emotion, that this is to be attended to, rather than simply either, a) acted on, or b) repressed. Moore often alludes to the soul’s intention behind circumstances which might otherwise seem hopeless and undesirable.

The style of writing could be described as non-linear and informal at best. At it’s not so best, it could be said to be confusing and contradictory. I felt that here the book was quite frustrating and the style a real let-down. It seemed that Moore was making many bold and sweeping statements and then following them up with a sort of qualification to temper the remark. He also seemed to employ the paradoxical and mysterious nature of his subject as a little bit of an excuse for not explaining himself properly! Another disappointment for me was his reluctance to attempt a definition of soul. It took 147 pages before I read anything like one and it was only in passing, “It [soul] is the medium, the mediating element, that holds everything together.” – a bit vague really. Admittedly an impossible task, however it would have helped greatly if he himself had admitted to this at the outset and then at least tried to outline a plan of attack! Reading the book was a little bit like looking at a mosaic… really close up. Sometimes there were very beautiful tiles that really impressed meaning, other times they just seemed really different from the adjacent tile. Moore just doesn’t take a step back from his creation so as to put things in context and so provide a thread – Oh, for a thread!

Despite this there was indeed nutrition to be got within these pages, and to mimic the author’s style, perhaps this is just the mystery of how the soul does its work!